I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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