Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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