Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize