I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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