god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
