i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
