So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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