hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
