PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
