I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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