Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Someone came in the potted fern
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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