then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
