I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Shame - the story of my life.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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