this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
