Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
