No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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