I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
