Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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