Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
