Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
