I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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