Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
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