Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
