During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
