thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
