Your dad touched me again.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
