I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
