She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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