You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
