Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
