dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
