So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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