the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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