his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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