but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
