sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
