And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
