He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I could make wine with my vomit
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
