when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
