i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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