I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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