In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
