I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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