If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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