I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize