god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
