I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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