ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
