I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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