We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
