oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize