I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
