in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
