I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
