you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
