Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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