dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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