Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize