In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize