I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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