I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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