My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
