She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize